26/4/2012

If this was on your recommended, consider yourself a main character on earth

Checkpoint:

I'm 32 now, and I feel no different than when I was 16. I don't know if I'm just screaming into the void. I can't find a way towards somewhere I want to go. Maybe admitting it will help.

Thank you for reading, for being here.

checkpoint:

im going to be 16 in december which is scary since it feels like life is going by so quickly.
adults in my life keep asking me what i want to do when im older, but i dont know yet and it feels like i have to choose soon even if ill regret my choice when im older. i kind of want to do everything, but i cant since im not smart or outgoing. i'm a very shy person.

i miss my friend, we havent talked in a long time, she was the only person who i felt i could truly be myself around and just talk with. i hope i can reconnect with her one day or find someone who im as comfortable around.

i dont really know what else to say. have a good day, whoever is reading this.

26/10/2020
17:34

If you are reading this, you must understand that you can not share or reccomend this video to anyone. This video must find them

Checkpoint : I'm 15, just a normal person. Don't really have anything else to say, i 'm not going through any rough patches in life rn. Speaking my mind in an ocean of comments seems kinda calming and weirdly cool, in the sense that, even tho it's unlikely i can find it again, it's still a bit of me preserved in time.

Checkpoint: I’m lost. I feel like I’m unlovable. I’m a slob and a generally bad person. No matter how hard I try I can’t fix my flaws. I’ve been crying myself to sleep a lot more recently. I really don’t feel like I belong here, on earth. All I’ve really ever wanted was to go on a fantastical adventure like the ones I’ve read about. But instead I’m here. In a world we’re I’m nothing more then an ant. A place that whenever I cry out in pain from all these emotions I get called an edgy attention seeker. Well who knew bottling up those emotions would end up hurting more.

Not sure I’m going to make it.

October 18th/2020

New game+ checkpoint: the reply’s everyone here have brought a tear to my eye. I’m still hate myself but the things all of you have left has made it clear that there’s a chance that that hatred will go away. So thanks to your kind words, in a sense, I’ll be starting my new game +

October 27th/2020

Finding this means you hit the world border of the website

YOU HAVE FINISHED THE INTERNET.


IT IS SAFE TO LEAVE NOW.

I'm now officially a main character. All I need to do is to complete the arc I wanted to finish.

[Posted October 26th 2020.]

[Progress Successfully Saved!]

Only the chosen get this recommended, peace brothers and sisters.

If you read this, that means I existed.

Checkpoint:

I have bad days, I have good days.
Today I arrived here. had a listen, had a read.
I feel that life is like this, vines covering the sky.
The vines never really go away. You just learn to see the sky through them.

Congrats on making it here reader

Save progress up to this point?

> YES       NO

Are you sure you want to overwrite existing game data?

YES      NO      > ..I don't know

Checkpoint:
I'm a male near 16yo and my social interaction skills are acceptable at best. Yet I have good friends that I feel good to have. I got friendzoned just today by my crush - I'm gonna call her H. for the sake of comfortability (online as I'm unable to start a conversation with girls irl unless I have to cuz e.g. school tasks but by myself I'm just too shy to start conversations irl with people other than my friends) which is okay, really, as I haven't given up on the possibility of her changing her mind and even if she never does I'm still very blessed to have her as my friend. I really like her and she's become the joy of my life, the conversations with her have become what I look forward to everyday everytime. I always liked the idea of having a girlfriend but as all my life is is going to school, watching videos, reading and playing games I run outta stuff to talk about rather quickly. She has similar hobbies to me (except she's having more things to do and has more friends to do stuff with irl), so it's unprobable that I'll run outta topics with her entirely ever. My previous tries at relationships were online as well and every time we just slowly stopped talking as I just didn't know what to talk about anymore. H. is just super nice and sweet. I really enjoy doing pretty much anything with her but as we live in different countries we didn't get to meet yet. We plan to meet in around two years after I turn 18. We also wanna learn Japanese together and I'm helping her learn my mother language as she's learning it in school and talking to someone native is quite useful, I suppose. I really don't know if I love her, I don't know if I ever loved anyone. I have autism, asperger to be more accurate and even though I've been to therapy for around 8 years and noone who doesn't know notices it I still don't always understand my feelings and love is a feeling even "normal" people don't necessarily understand, so I really don't know if I'm just being shallow in my desire to get a girlfriend or if I actually fell in love with her. I'm both happy and sad that I got rejected, I'm sad as she said that she doesn't have the same feelings towards me that I have towards her but I'm also happy as she was honest with me, not lying just so I'd not feel sad. I'm near the tears rn as these kinda topics are hard for me to write, let alone talk about. If someone who knows me were to ever see this and talks to me about it I dunno if I'd respond in embarrassment, denial or straightup tears. I hate how I am, I'm super lazy, I do stupid things and in the past I did things I wouldn't be caught doing alive another time. When I was in 5th grade e.g. I had so little control over myself that I almost choked a classmate to death over a pokemon card. I was able to contain myself before anything serious happened as I still had the consciousness that I don't wanna end up a murderer. He was fine and we became friends to an extent. I really hate how I am and was but at the same time I try to be a decent human being and I seem to succeed as noone is having fear or disgust for me. Even though I say I hate myself I still really love my life. I really have a good life, not being bothered too much, being able to do what I want and my mental stability is something I haven't the slightest doubt about for I am super relaxed and calm. And still my emotions are a completely different matter to me. To me, mental stability is that I don't get enraged too much, that I don't have the desire to kill myself or others and that I'm overall fine while my emotionals are what I feel in the moment and in certain situations. Whenever I talk or even think about something that's embarrassing to me I get tears in the eyes that are hard to hold back. For example I really like to just sing but singing in front of anyone gives me the tears. The thing with the tears and the previous relationships are things I've kept secret to most people, H. is pretty much the first person that I've discussed all of this with and I think talking to her about my problems, issues and just anything makes it a bit easier for me to open up in general. I often just feel like scum as I think that I'm rather manipulative, even if subconsciously to make people say something as simple as "You're not that bad" it just makes me feel like the scum of the earth when I notice it but not understanding my own emotions I also don't always understand my own intentions. Overall I'm the kind that'll just postpone everything that takes effort; "Homework? Do that the day before." "Become a better person? Wait till you have a girlfriend and do it then" and today I just thought about not doing that, to just do what I must, to just become a better person regardless if I have a girlfriend or not. I don't think I can bring myself to uphold that at all but having thought about it is already more progress than I've made my whole life regarding its structure. I hope I can uphold it anyway and I think getting rejected is what actually brought me to that thought that I usually try to get rid of my bad habits whenever I have a relationship but to then just fall back into them after ending it. For example my back isn't straight but this time around after getting to know H. and developing interest I began trying to consciously hold my back straight which is rather exhausting compared to bending over all the time but I thought that if I got rejected then why should that make me not try to straighten my back anymore. It's just stupid of me to've done that after my previous goes at relationships but I'm just really bad at motivating myself to do something like that for my health as I'm just very negligent of my health. At least I don't really have more physical problems other than that but it's still something I should get myself up to fix and not just laze around till I by chance find a girlfriend. So in this way getting rejected was probably actually good to subject my mindset to change. Also whenever I broke up before I didn't feel anything special. Maybe because we just slowly faded out, maybe because it was online, maybe bacause my side was hollow to begin with but I really hope that I'm gonna change from being as hollow as I am/was. I also have christian beliefs but my lazyness is so big that I'm just not willing to make the effort of doing what god wants me to. In other words, I'm the most stupid sort, I believe that I will have eternal death in hell if I don't do what god wants me to and still I'm just idly sitting around. I don't know what else to write here right now so yeah. I don't have nearly as many problems or hardships as others here but it's really good to just get this kinda stuff off my heart and mind, even if it's just for strangers to read. So thanks a lot for reading through the mess that is my life. I will update this if anything happens or comes to mind as I wanna be able to eventually find this in my recommended and just remember how it was to be like this. Also H., if you read this you'll know that you're the one I'm referring to, I don't know if I have the courage to show you this but you won't read this if I don't anyways. Either way, thank you so much for being my friend, it's making me super happy (and here come the tears) and even though it'd be a lie to say that I couldn't live without you I'd surely be really really sad if you were to ever disappear outta my life entirely, so thank you so so much for sticking to the douche that I am < 3.That's my checkpoint.

First save: 30th of October 2020 5-ish pm
Last save: 30th of October 2020 5:47pm

Everyone on YouTube makes a pilgrimage here someday.

Getting recommended this was a great way to end the decade